Time is a funny thing. It can feel like an eternity or can go by in the blink of an eye. A time in your life can both feel like yesterday and feel like it was ages ago.
Most days it feels like just yesterday, other days I’m in disbelief it’s been this long. I just turned 17. I remember every detail of this day 11 years ago. I also remember every details of the day 4 days prior to this day. On January 12, 2006 we all gathered around a conference table as Dad sat at one end. Prior to going I really didn’t know what the appointment was about, but I felt it in every part of me that it wasn’t going to bring good news. I remember going to school that day, watching the clock in anticipation of this appointment. I went down to the office to check out a whole hour early not realizing what time it was. I soon left, driving the red Ford Windstar to the appointment. We all gathered around the table, sitting closer to each other than we probably had in our lives. The doctor spoke. I remember just staring at you. You kept your head down. We all cried. I had basketball practice and a game the next day. I drove home, sobbing in disbelief. Mom soon showed up after me and we hugged in the kitchen. I remember what she said. I asked a friend to come get me for practice. I met with the coaches in the office. I could barely get it out. I sobbed and stated “my dad is dying.” That’s all I could say. The next day came, game day. This would be the last game you attended. I searched everywhere for the picture of you sitting in a lawn chair with the rest of the family gathered in the bleachers around you at this game. But even if there wasn’t a picture, its engraved in my head. Your head down, except when I checked into the game. You watched me and only me. I sat on the bench more this game than any other game. I watched you. I didn’t want to take my eyes away. The next days that followed were the longest days of my life, like time stood still. You laid on the couch as people shuffled in and out of the house. I remember staying up late to finish some homework then going to bed where I just laid. I could feel it coming. The clock switched over to January 16, 2006 and 13 minutes into this day you were gone. Right before Donna came into my room to tell me, an energy came through my room, a plastic bag under my bed ruffled but nothing or no one was there. It was you saying goodbye, I believe. Donna & Nicole laid in bed with me. I remember my iPod was playing Usher. We just laid silently for several minutes before getting up. I walked to the kitchen where Andrew lay sobbing on the floor as Mom stood near. I got down with him and picked him up. Quickly everyone was at the house and soon they came. We had our private processional before your body was taken away. You were still there, just as you always have been, there inside all of us. I remember going to the funeral home and having to decided who’s birthday the funeral would be on, Nick’s or Mike’s. Mike’s. I went to school the next day. What was I thinking? I thought you’d want me to just keep on living as I was. This was both my greatest strength and biggest downfall as I spent a long time “living life” without acknowledging yours being over. I remember being greeted by so many of my friends with tears streaming down their cheeks. I didn’t cry much and just told them that “it’s okay you don’t have to be sorry.” Except when Katie came up to me. I was at my locker. We cried and tried to make a joke. I spent most of the day with her, attending her classes. I don’t know how this was even allowed but it happened. We didn’t have a basketball game this week. Mom says you planned it this way. So many people. So many flowers. So much food. Oh, the food never stopped! Even before your passing, we received so much food. Every Tuesday Clarissa and I would eat a meal prepared by someone we didn’t even know at the kitchen table with you. Sometimes others would join, too. I’ll never forget this time in my life. I’ll remember every detail of it all forever.
I’ll also never forget all the memories I have with you. From running from you to avoid being disciplined to running into you while I was pretending to be blind outside. April Fools Day is not as fun as it was pranking you with the sink sprayer. I got you every year and we laughed every year. I share your same dry sense of humor. I always thought you were the funniest person I knew, even when I rolled my eyes at your “dad jokes” in front of my friends. I wish you were still here. Life would be so different. I’ve realized though, through much time and denial that this is how it was supposed to be, for whatever reason we all had to go through this. We are still going through it and will always be going through it.
Time waits for no one. Seize the day. Capture every moment. Cherish every memory. And live every day like it’s your last because you never know when your time is up.
her9lives 