One day. Be patient. Keep preserving. You’ll get there. Stay positive. You’ll get everything you deserve. Keep pushing forward. Good things will come.
What a difference a year can make. On this day last year I laid in bed hurt, physically and emotionally. I did not know what to do or say. Soon I’d receive phone calls that forced me to say something. I let it out. All the secrets I had felt necessary to keep. Nearly 4 years of terrible, ugly things that I kept inside and very few people knew about. I sobbed, asked why me. Why do these terrible things keep happening to me?
Through the past 12 months there were forced glimmers of hope. Times I felt like things were turning a positive corner.
Hindsight is 20/20.
I’ve had to make some pretty hard, life changing decisions. Things I wanted to run from rather than deal with. I’m so glad I dealt with it all.
The hardest of all the decisions I had to make was the one to put myself first. My whole life I always did for others first and myself last. I went into a profession where I’d do the same. I was unselfish in every aspect of my life. I thought this was the best way and only way to live and be happy. At 27, almost 28, I learned this was so far from the truth. I was silly to think it was. After all, I preached “self-love” and nurturing yourself in order to nurture others. I often told the “airplane” story. The one where we have to put on our masks first when in an emergency situation and then help others, because if we don’t help ourselves eventually our own air runs out and what good are we to others if we are dead?
I found myself crashing, completely exhausted. They refer to it as Compassion Fatigue. I needed to start taking care of me, and doing it first. I had to start right away and go all in, no little by little. I did it. I did it all the way. It was not easy. I lost people along the way, both by my choice and theirs. I miss the memories, but I don’t miss the way these people drained me. I learned who gave me life, and those who sucked it out of me. And through this I also learned how to recognize who is who sooner rather than later.
I am happier, more full of life and love. I realized how thin I was spreading myself and how little love I was actually able to give because of it. I feared that loving myself would prevent me from giving love to others. This was so far from the truth. The more I love myself, the more love I have to give. I am selfish with my love. I love all who enter my life, whether they bring life or try to suck it out, I choose to love them anyway. One thing I learned not to do is give my love in the form of my time to those who are not doing the same for me. They say life is about give and take. I can see how that can be, but I choose to look at life differently. It’s about give and give. I give life to you and you give the same to me.
Love and be loved. Share a smile with someone. Remain positive, despite the negativity that may surround you. Rise above when someone tries to bring you down. Forgive those who hurt you, but don’t forget how they made you feel. Take everything as a lesson, learn from it, and put it into practice. Wake up each day with the idea that it is a new opportunity to be better and do better. And above all else, love yourself madly, fiercely and compassionately.
-SM
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